the four right chords can make me cry

I failed. again.
I bawled.
My eyes are all puffy.

thanks, all of you who care, but, i'm sorry, saying that i can take it again next time doesnt make me feel any better. I already know that. what I don't know is where i'm gonna find all that extra time and money.

is there no dignity in failure? try as i might, i couldn't help but start tearing. so distressed that i left my pdl behind and the tester had to chase after me to give it back. couldnt see his face all that well behind all that water. he was a nice guy lah, i would have failed me too.

don't, under any circumstances, ask me to give a post-mortem, what happened doesnt matter.

to add insult to injury, i had to pay $182 today for making me feel terrible.

how terrible? wiping the periodic, irrepresible tears off your face as you take damned public transport which you feel you are doomed to be confined to for the rest of your life. seeing this girl excitedly run out to her mum who's waiting for her. I failed, and i had no one there. ouch. ouch. returning home, but no one's there too. crying like i haven't in a long time, alone.

pain's a very private place. so don't try to come in.

i feel very stupid for crying. i know its just a driving test. but it hurts. so don't try to understand or try to make me feel better. just let me be sad.

it's like that time in sec 4 when band lost at SYF. there was nothing to be said. Enai just let me cry. but enai isn't here anymore. and people who don't know me that well will try to say stuff to comfort me, which i'm thankful for and all, but i don't want that. I just want to cry.

i'll be fine. don't worry about me. to prove it to you, i shall pretend to have a sense of humour about the whole thing:

I can predict the next earthquake.

It will be the day before my next driving test date.

failure 1: 27th dec 2004 (1 day after boxing day tragedy)
failure 2: 29th March 2004 (1 day after the quake in Sumatra)

this isn't very funny. its tragic. people died.

maybe i should stop learning driving.

maybe i should have worn my lucky underwear. ha.

Hootie & the Blowfish : Let Her Cry

She sits alone by a lamppost
Trying to find a thought that’s escaped her mind
She says dad’s the one I love the most
But stipe’s not far behind

She never lets me in
Only tells me where’s she’s been
When she’s had too much to drink
I say that I don’t care
I just run my hands through her dark hair
and then I pray to god you gotta help me fly away

And just let her cry
If the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing
If it eases all her pain
Let her go
Let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be...let her be.

This morning I woke up alone
Found a note by the phone
Saying maybe, maybe I’ll be back some day
I wanted to look for you; you walked in
I didn’t know just what I should do
So I sat back down and had a beer and felt sorry for myself.

Let her cry
If the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing
If it eases all her pain
Let her go
Let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be...let her be.

Last night I tried to leave
Cried so much I could not believe
She was the same girl i fell in love with long ago
She went in the back to get high
I sat down on my couch and cried
Yelling oh mama please help me
Won’t you hold my hand

And let her cry
If the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing
If it eases all her pain
Let her go
Let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be...let her be.

oh yeah, happy birthday fad =)
its easy to smile virtually.

posted by beckyboo @ 11:01 PM 5 comments

If i fail this time, I'm just going to bawl my eyes out.

posted by beckyboo @ 11:10 PM 0 comments

and it's true. but I've taken it all in my stride.

yesterday went for Fadz birthday dinner! oh... it was so GOOD to meet everyone again. Made me realise that something's been missing. The divisions are as obvious as ever, the fault lines may even be deepening. but i don't care, I was just happy to be there. oh, and fadz and joanne are so sweet lah =)

kinda disappointed that I didn't really talk to fadz much. had so much to say, but at the same time, nothing to say to him at all. the insurmountable inbetween. so sad, the way things go. but fadz is and always will be a great friend and special to me.

made a new friend! Liwern! Always been kinda scared to talk to her, but she's really nice, we took the same bus. I wonder how many nice ppl out there i don't know cos i'm too scared to talk to them. Billions.

today had by God-sent tuition no.1! and paid instantly on the spot too =) i testify here that God provides for me! don't really know what to do with them, they are not as on as my other kid and they don't have many questions or problems. only downside is... lesson starts at 8:30am saturday morning... which means.... 7 days a week i gotta be up early! eye-bags, here I come! maybe time to get a nice big pair of sunglasses...

sigh. sadly, had to drag myself to school for tutorial, and my parents refused to send me. that means... 1.5 hour bus ride. but it was pretty good, I really enjoyed today's class! we had this simulation game, one half of the class is philippines, the other half is singapore, and we were supposed to negotiate the formation of an economic advisory board. quite intriguing, diplomacy, trying to maintain the balance between grovelling and self-preservation. Once again, having second thoughts about life science, maybe political science or IR would have been better? (last night liwern was so puzzled that i didnt go for med or law, and i found i couldnt furnish her with a compelling reason myself).

argh... think i really AM suffering from MRS (mushroom rejection syndrome). I ate WAY too many mushrooms for dinner... starting to feel a bit sick and pukish.

2 days till driving lesson.

i shall leave you with quotes of the day.

becky to dad: "you eat your vile creation by yourself!"

dad to becky (in response to the question, "why didnt YOU join manhunt then?") : "Give others a chance."

posted by beckyboo @ 11:03 PM 2 comments

peek into my journal

24th March
You know, I would be so hurt if that was true.

16th March
I really do not like being rushed. Compounded by the lack of sleep.

7th March
So God, am i ready yet?

2nd March
Amen. Only God's redemptive grace.

26th Feb
Sometimes, like tonight, I get this feeling of frustration and failure.

17th Feb
And that is what I've wanted, really wanted, all along.

4th Feb
I enjoyed hearing her story, I hope she enjoyed telling it.

22nd Jan
To me that's usually a bad sign.

19th Jan
ARGH. God, do not let me be overwhelmed!

17th Jan
So much for sleeping early.

10th Jan
But I won't let my feelings control my actions.

posted by beckyboo @ 12:10 AM 0 comments

I just go on with my life, doing all the things that need to be done, because I am like that. I laugh at their childish notions of it all, and say to myself I will never be like that. But why do I find myself squinting at the horizon, hoping for a glimpse of ten camels?

posted by beckyboo @ 11:57 PM 0 comments

Love story

Was doing some research for my term paper, and came across the story of what has got to be my favourite celebrity couple: Donita Rose and Eric Villarama.

They were childhood friends, their dads both worked at the same airbase. Eric is Donita's brother's best friend, but their families lost touch when Eric's family moved to Japan. Then one day, Donita's brother meets Eric in a Starbucks in California and ties are re-established. So romantic yeah, he (and his design company) moved to Singapore after he proposed to her near the Golden Gate Bridge in 2001 and Donita quit her job as an MTV VJ when they got married in 2003. The wedding was held at some scenic resort in California, with the beach in full view and everything.

shucks, even I think thats awfully sweet and almost too perfect to be true.

Donita was my favourite VJ! She was'nt bitchy like the rest. I've actually met Eric, he's a super duper nice guy, really warm and kind. Was at some volunteer programme at a secondary school, a self-esteem workshop. From the way he talks, I could see that he really believed in empowering the students and also that he was totally in love with Donita still. When we were supposed to write down what we wished we could be, he wrote down: "good husband and father". (Donita gave birth last year I think).

And they're both Christians! and they had a thanksgiving lunch rather than a press conference to announce the wedding. It's soooo nice to see two people coming together like that, brought together by God, with a relationship based on Christian values.

http://www.showbizpinoy.com/features/celebrity_weddings/eric_donita_rose_villarama.asp

Donita and Eric and baby, God bless you.

posted by beckyboo @ 11:59 PM 0 comments

thanks kel!

posted by beckyboo @ 11:32 PM 0 comments

I love this song. to hear it, drop by candice's blog.

Beautiful : Joydrop

If I were beautiful like you
Oh the things I would do
Those not so blessed would be crying out murder
And I'd just laugh and get away with it too
Like you do

If I was beautiful like you
I would never be at fault
I'd walk in the rain between the rain drops
Bringing traffic to a halt

But that would never be
That would never never be
'Cause I'm not beautiful like you
I'm beautiful like me

If I were beautiful like you
I'd be quick to assume
They'd do anything to please me why not
I see their reaction when you walk into the room

If I was beautiful like you
I'd have so many friends
All fighting for my time to be next in line
So if I hurt one I wouldn't have to make amends

But that would never be
That would never never be
'Cause I'm not beautiful like you
I'm beautiful like me

posted by beckyboo @ 6:28 PM 0 comments

hopefully you'll come

HopeJam! 27th March Sunday 2-10pm
got ublues feat smokey! yayness!

posted by beckyboo @ 6:14 PM 0 comments

its always been one sided, but now things have been turned on their head and i'm on the losing end. it tires me.
its kinda freaky the way you see right through me. and yet, I don't think you care. part of me wishes you did.
thankful for the dear friend who loves me so much. I love you too!
well, at least he asked first. I think i did a good job of acting blase. I don't think i'm acting.
resist. the. herd. mentality.

posted by beckyboo @ 12:05 AM 0 comments

one hundred and one innane conversations

marcus: beckyboo!
becky: hellos marky
whatcha doing up so late?
marcus: how bout u?
becky: doing work... life of a university student, work late into the night
marcus: haha
icic
2 bad
becky: haha
how abt you?
marcus: Holy-DayZ
becky: OH YAH
grrr
marcus: haha
u lost any w8?
becky: =(
marcus: ill take that as a yesh
good
so is moving easier?
becky: you so bad
marcus: don worry bout e fats
theyll get cured
sooner or l8er
haha
becky: =~(
marcus: lolZ
i have that 2!
=~(
c
wad did you mean by that?
becky: by what?
marcus: by that crying face
btw
becky: means im sad lah...
marcus: u lyk any boy?
...oooOOO000
becky: haha
i like you!
marcus: O0o)O0O0O0o0
l8est news
becky: yes?
marcus: don worri
Lois isnt da real thing
becky: ?
marcus: . . . . .
haha
becky: then who???????
marcus: hhahahahahahah
u dn nd 2 know
becky: i know
i know who you like!
marcus: anywayZ
who?
Chrysty?
nah
becky: hahahaha no lar
marcus: not u
becky: ...
marcus: *puke*
becky: OEI!
you!!!!
marcus: i got it!
i now know who i really like!
becky: yes?
marcus: Lois!
becky: .........
marcus: hahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahaha
gtg
b
b
becky: byeee

end transmission.

posted by beckyboo @ 11:35 PM 0 comments

i'm. so. tired.

but ublues and Lampano alley was INCREDIBLE. but too tired to talk about it, although i had a fantastic time there.

tired. I fell asleep in every class I had today. Fell asleep in the library. Fell asleep in the bus.

tired.

posted by beckyboo @ 12:16 AM 0 comments

God is faithful even when we are faithless.
I've seen this statement become reality in my life.
I've been richly blessed by hazel's friendship, ben listening to me, uncle thomas bringing me out for lunch and sharing from his experience.
I realised that God is a really good provider, as some people exit my life, new ones enter, and I am always well taken care of.
I've had a really long day, but somehow managed to get through it.
(enai, will reply you when i get the chance)
This week is just plain crazy, let me whine about it here, cos no one will listen to me whine otherwise. Wed: School, driving lesson at ubi, then project meeting at tiong baru. Thurs: school from 10am-6pm with no lunch break, Jill Lowe seminar from 7:30-9pm. Fri: PCC in the morning, mircoB practical from 2-6pm, tuition from 7:30pm. Somehow have to manage tutorials, readings, project work and life in between. Saturday: project meeting (hopefully we can finish by wed so there's no need for this meeting and i can finally get a good sleep)
But i'm happy. Going to watch lampano alley and ublues tonight =) true, sans trevor jalla. oh well.
but more than that, i've got joy. her quiet, still but strong presence. It's been a long time since we've met.
and God is moving, He is all the time, its just that 99% of the time I don't see it.
today, i was the recipient of a lot of kindness. Shakeela brought me up to speed about stats lecture cos I fell asleep and when i woke up i had no idea what was going on. Cherie and hazel messaged and encouraged me. Had an enjoyable lunch with veron, joyce and her friend, all of whom are coming for BCE.
but that having been said, more sleep would be much appreciated.
(-_-)

posted by beckyboo @ 1:58 AM 0 comments

Jars of Clay - Sinking

It's not my problem anymore
You see it never really was
So you can stop 'caring' as you call it
and I'll be fine right here

You see that I can play a pretty convincing role
So I don't need you, I don't think I need you

But you see through my forever lies
And you are not believing
And I see in your forever eyes
That you are forever healing

You can't hear what I'm not saying
And I can hold out long enough
Treading water I keep from sinking
I'm not one for reaching

You see that I can play a pretty convincing role
So I don't need you, I don't think I need you

But you see through my forever lies
And you are not believing
And I see in your forever eyes
That you are forever healing

Deny myself, deny my heart
Deny your hand, deny your help
and you offer me eternitybut why should I buy that?

You see that I can play a pretty convincing role
So I don't need you, I don't think I need you

But you see through my forever lies
And you are not believing
And I see in your forever eyes
That you are forever healing

posted by beckyboo @ 1:55 AM 0 comments

.:: lunch with becky ::.
a new weekly food review by everyone's favourite* canteen critic
*yeah right

Vol 1. Issue 1.

jap food at arts

wishdish: katsu curry rice set

Initially wanted the teriyaki chicken, but i saw this set on counter when i went to order, decided to go for it instead. I assumed it was katsu, or chicken, I didn't look at it too carefully. But when I started eating, it turned out to be fish. Hmmm weird. Heck, just eat lah.

First impressions
Actually quite impressed with the entire thing, its a notch above what i expected. But then again at $4, for canteen food, i guess it should be. I half expected the miso soup to come from some machine like they do at yoshi, press a button and this slush comes out. But the bento was quite substantial. In fact, I think 2 people can share one, esp if they're girls forever on some pathetic diet, in which case 8 girls should share one. and then go throw up together later. go team!

The breakdown:
large piece of breaded fried fish
tempura veggies: ladies finger x2, brinjal x1, half a mushroom x1
jap curry with potato and carrots
gyoza x2
rice with seasme seeds on top
miso soup
slice o watermelon
wrinkled up pickle to go with curry x2

as you can see i was very bored eating this lonely lunch alone all by myself.

Get on with the review already!!!
okok. The rice was ok, would have been nicer if it were warm. Like the curry. The curry was steaming hot! Love the way little curls of steam rise out of hot food. Taste-wise, nothing spectacular, be definetly edible. The breading on the fish was way too thick and not very well done and the fish was funny, I still believed i had the katsu after the first few bites, only realised it was fish cos the meat was kinda flaky. I'm a sucker for mushrooms, so the tempura veggies get plus points. I also adore dumplings (xiao long bao!!!! wo tie!!! shui jiao!!!) so the gyoza was appreciated muchly. They put it on a squirt of jap salad dressing, the combination is a little weird at first, but quite nice really. Went for the watermelon first actually, and it was nice sweet and cold!

And the conclusion
3 out of 5, tasty but not worth raving about. (Hmm actually i think most food in school is like that, so should i actually bother reviewing?)
Large portions, eat only if you're really hungry and feeling like you can afford to blow $4.00 on canteen food. Its better than eating lunch at geckos (do not waste your money on the "sandwich", a hotdog bun with stuff inside), but gecko has great drinks.

Maybe next time: The spaghetti! or the cha soba, I love cha soba.

Comments or suggestions for future review? Name the place or the dish, and I will review it! Unless I don't feel like it. Food critics are notoriously prima donnaish you know! Need to live up to the expectations!

posted by beckyboo @ 11:42 AM 1 comments

The Royal Tenenbaums

Family is not a word, it's a sentence.
I guess what I liked so much about the film was that I really identified with it. The years of betrayal, the way we cling on to bad memories and let resentment fester slowly, unforgiveness and grudges. Failures, disappointments, things that go unsaid. How relationships deteriorate. But also reconciliation, the ending was a happy one, may have glossed over some things, but it did'nt feel sappy. As you know, I HATE sappy movies.
Such a nice show, wonder why it didn't make it big. Guess cos it's got this indie feel about it, which I like. but then again it had such big name stars. Another thing I really liked about it was this whole folksy soundtrack they had going on, good stuff. The whole movie was drenched in this 60's/70's feel, the lighting, the costume, suggesting this hippie-like idealism and unrealisticness (to me, anyway).
i should be writing a response paper, not watching tv and writing about it!!!

went to watch V's play on friday, it was excellent!!! as for the two others before it... erm, give them the benefit of the doubt, let's just say I did'nt understand them. nuanced, sensitive performances, great cast (although i was a little put off by the accents at first, but I guess it's in character, still I much prefer a more real, local accent, but i guess it would'nt fit the context, i mean, naming your kid pascal if your'e singaporean!?!) pace was just about right, quite enthralling, very funny, good use of space. but was feeling rather awkward, with her theatre-y friends, not feeling very sociable that day, but i think the show was well worth it.

met bernard! my goodness, blast from the past! he was still in sec 1 or 2 when i met him, how come I still remember him then? selective memory. really made me feel... well not exactly nostalgic, but thats the closest substitute i can think of. he's in J2 now! no more the little kid i remember. but i think i saw the keychain that they gave us that camp on his bag, "everyday with Jesus is sweeter than the day before." that keychain is like SIX years old (i've long lost mine), and I havent seen him for six years either. holy cow, it's been that long. woah, the juxtaposition of so much change and the way we still hold on to certain artifacts of the past was too much for me. I need to coin a new word to describe this kinda feeling...

Really wish I had the guts to talk to him over lunch or something. Cos I really need to know about that keychain, what did that church camp mean to him? what has happened to him since then? what is he like now? why did he never join us again? how come I can remember you? what did you remember me as? how am i different now? but all i could manage was a really moronic, "oh you're in HC?" (well DUH! he was wearing the uniform!!!)

Actually that really sums up the majority of my friendships. I actually have a million and one questions to ask them, but they somehow never seem appropriate to bring up. This is what i mean when i say i'm shy i guess. i think all these things in my head, but when i open my mouth, "so, how are you?", which is really not what i wanted to say. This applies to my family too. I've always wanted to ask "do you really love me?", "do you approve of me?", "do you believe in me and what i do?". But i cant. So things just go unsaid, until we get angry, and it comes out even worse.

if you're free, yes you, blog reader, drop me an email and answer my questions. tell me who you are, who you ever were, who you wish you could be, tell me who you think i am, what do i mean to you, and we'll try to close the distance that's grown between us. iambeckyboo@gmail.com

posted by beckyboo @ 1:37 AM 0 comments

the little girl in me
just wants to be a little girl
and sit at your feet
beaming at your beaming face
and know that i'm loved
to forget that i've been hurt
because i have something better
to hold on to now
but her words have seared me
dullness and emptiness
prevent me from skipping
like a lamb by your side
i turn my hollow eyes to you
and look for grace

posted by beckyboo @ 11:08 PM 0 comments

Listen up!
-ok, a few things that i wanna pitch. pay attention now!

1. Come buy tickets for Little Voice, brought to you by the University Scholar's club, from me tomorrow, 2nd March at the Arts Fac corridor near the EZ-Link top-up machine!
Our fantabulous cast (sporting talents from Singapore Lyric Opera, Bud's Youth Theatre, Singapore Repertory Theatre Young Company as well as Raffles Players) will be giving a sneak-peek performance so do look out for that!
We'll be having a soft launch, so the tickets will be going for $15 instead of $18 for this week only. Good cause: it's to raise funds for the Patient Care Centre (PCC), where I've been volunteering and to spread the message of non-discrimination.
The musical will run from 13-15 May, 7:30pm at the Tampines Cultural Centre, with shuttle service from simei MRT. can contact me (becky) for tickets or the usp people directly emailling them at: get_your_tix@yahoo.com.sg

2. To blog readers collecting A level results, NUS open house is on the 12th of March
I will be there, either at the USP booth or promoting YEP or at the USP booth promoting YEP. Come and talk to me yeah? Click for more info.

3. Join USP!
I highly recommend USP to anyone considering NUS. from my previous posts you'd know how much i enjoy my classes, love my teachers, and like the people in the usp community! ok the usp song is kinda lame, sorry to the guy who wrote it, but I do agree with the line that goes "now that's what I call an education!". Click for more info.

4. Come for the VCF musical on the 23rd of March!
We got a stellar cast lined up, original songs, and it's free! So if you don't wanna go for the other musical cos it's too expensive, well then, you don't have an excuse now. I know for a fact that these people have put their heart and soul into this show, so expect an honest performance that aims to capture life as an undergrad and the struggles that we have. Apparently there's a scene featuring a Milo truck, now come on, who can resist the Milo truck?!? (not me, its marvellous what milo can do for you!) Plays and musicals are used to discuss issues, but this musical is important, because it talks about the most important thing of all, God. So do come, with an open mind, nobody is trying to preach to you, but i think what the cast is trying to do is portray their lives realistically, and being a Christian is an inevitable part of it. I'll let joshua say this... (taken off the BCE blog)

This is important because Gabe and i did not begin with a "hidden message"
or agenda, which we would then proceed to "subtly" embed in every line and later
attempt to bludgeon the hearts and minds of the audience through the
manipulative influence of drama, dance and oh-so-seductive music.The musical is
written from a Christian worldview, unabashedly so. But it does not attempt to
insult the intelligence of any person, Christian or non-Christian, by ignoring
the very real struggles of people around us, on campus and off campus. The
struggles portrayed in the musical are shared by both Christians and
non-Christians. Hopefully, that will be what makes the musical accessible,
beyond the poetic language, great music, Tony Award-winning acting (be
encouraged, beloved cast!) or whatever dazzling theatrical effects. It is our
hope that the poignancy and the commonality of the human condition displayed in
the musical will be what draws both Christians and non-Christians to reflect
upon our lives and, by the grace of God, to turn to and draw close to Him.

Ok enough announcements for one day methinks!
Today watched Ray with me dad and darren! I thought it was a pretty good show, better than most hollow-wood trash out there. but somehow I felt some parts of the truth were being hidden, no evidence for it, just this sneaky feeling. I guess it's inevitable when they worked so closely with ray charles before he died on the movie, that they want to portray him in a certain subjective light. oh well, artistic license i guess. but the music was sweeeeet! reason enough to shell out $6.50 (which my dad did, heh).

posted by beckyboo @ 12:14 AM 0 comments